frieNDS

I bet you would laugh at me if I ask you what the word actually means.

Friends.

"People you go crazy with", "People you can trust", "People that makes you smile", "People that you are comfortable with". These are the things that might come to your mind when encountering the very word.

These or perhaps, the image of your friends.

I know, whenever I come across the word, I will see the faces of Gg, Diana, Miza, Atikah, Shahrul, Shafiq, Aiman.. and many more.

Because that is who they are to me. My friends.


Friends -
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.


Some people take advantage of the word. Some people believe that their friends would always be there for them. Would always have their back. I mean, isn't that living up to the name "friend".

But some might not know, that there are people in this world who doesn't have that advantage. Who doesn't have that privilage. Yes, thats what friends are. A privilage. Something that is given to you if you work towards it. Something that can be taken away from you if not given proper care.

Some people does not have friends. Or rather, the people whom they acknowledge as "friends" are not really friends at all.

I should know. I have been through that. I have been through many phases in which a friend, is not a friend after all.

In standard one, I developed a good relationship with a girl like myself. Only to be shoved out of her life the next year. I didn't understand why. In standard three, a friend, a collegue. She was a prefect just like me. We were considered close, until one day, she started avoiding me. One look at me and she'll turn away. I was confused. Standard six, a group of girls who at first played hurtful jokes on me, finally accepted me in their group. I was glad. I found friends. The next year, the started ignoring me and made me feel like I am not a part of them. I guess I never was. Form one, a close relationship with 3 of my classmates, and two years after, found out that they have hated my guts ever since. I was shocked. Hurt.

Yes. I didn't understand. I didn't understand the concept of the word - "friends". Maybe because I always had my heart hurt by those people I called friends. Why were my friends avoiding me and treat me nothing like one. I grew up painfully.

But I soon learned that there is such thing as a real friend after all.

In standard 5, I found a girl named Hamizatul Nisa. The very girl I loathed in standard 2 and 3. I found a friend in Miza. I found a girl that understands me. I found a girl that likes me for who I am. I found a girl I know, like and trust. Miza was one of the last people I would have expected to be a friend. I guess opposite attracts. I guess it shows that people are not all who you think they are.

In standard 6, I found Nor Atikah. She claimed that I treated her unfairly in our early years. I don't remember, but I got close to her in standard 6. Besides Miza, I think she was the only girl that was actually genuine to me. Who actually likes me. I could drop her a few jokes and my lame attitude, and she'll laugh it off with me. She doesn't judge, she doesn't expect me to be in a certain way.

In form 3, I found Noor Diana. We end up being in the same class. I come clean that I didn't like the idea of having Diana in my class that year. Because I thought that she would take a friend of mine away from me. But that year, I found that she was more of a friend to me than my friend was. She was like me, she was almost me. I feel comfortable instantly to her. In a few months I could relate more to Diana than I ever could with the friend I have been with for 3 years. We connect.

In form 3, I also found Nadzirah. She was a bubbly smiley laughy girl to me that year. She was a person I hang out with. She was in my circle of people. But I was not close to her. I call her a friend but was she really a friend to me then. I like her, I knew her, but I haven't developed that trust in her. Until we were sent to the same class in form 4. I was nervous at first, (yes G I was). I guess I was scared. I was scared that she would judge me. That she was expecting me to be in a certain way. I was scared that she wouldn't like what I was only able to offer her. But with Gg, there is no expectations. She made me feel comfortable instantly. She assured me that who I am, is good enough for her.

And these 4 people made me believe in the word "friends". These four people show me how to trust, how to depend, and how to loosen up. I was not afraid to show my weakness to them. Because yes, they do have my back. Yes. They were there for me. Our quirks, our insanity. The five of us only made complete the whole group. Our personalities compliments each other. And that is what that makes us so compatible. We are almost complete.

That is what "friends" are. People that are a part of you. I have a bit of Miza, Atikah, Diana and Gg inside of me. I do.

But now, there are a tension in between my group of friends. There is. None of us would admit that but I know each of us have that bit of that info stuck to us. We don't talk about it but I know we all are concerned. I don't know the very core, the very root of this sting, but I do know that its hurting me.

Its like, bits and pieces of my body are scribbling to each other. And the pain is inside, which is why it is harder for me to cure it. I don't know where it is, I don't know what causes it, but I know it's bringing me down. None can see it, even I couldn't, but I wish that it would stop. That the pain would stop hiding and just SHOW itself so I can cure it. So we can cure it.

I hope that my friends and I would go back to the way it was. The time when these people show me that they are my friends, and that I am theirs. Where laughters are meaningful, and pains are not.

My dear friends. Take a moment to think about your past. We are not who we are if it wasn't for the rest of us. I know I would not have turned out this way if I was not with you people. And I do not want myself to change. I love who I am. I love being comfortable with the 4 of you. And if our friendship shakes, then I will shake. And that is one of my greatest fear.

So step up and face this tension. Because you're not the only one who will fight it. We will be behind you with our arms clenched tight to our rifles, and lipglosses in our pockets. And once and for all, we can go back to a time where we sit in one circle, and make fun of each other again. Or when laughters are exchanged.

Come back to me my "friends".

Don't you miss it?

- one bloody person shouldn't change the foundation of a 3 years old friendship.