Wednesday, January 07, 2009

you're like a rocket in my mind


Do you know what is simply frustrating to realize in this world?

To know that you're absolutely great at NOTHING. Seriously. I think I am one of the few people in this entire world who is absolutely great at NOTHING.

I mean think about it. I am not exactly the smartest person around. There are always somebody (well many bodies) who shoots up way better than me.

First there is my ability to play guitar. Well, yeah I can pick a few strings and strum a few chords. But that is simply how far it goes. I have no talent to even write a proper song of myself. Okay yes, I have written a few, but none that I feel very proud to parade of.

I mean, how does kak Yuna, Mia Palencia, Estrella and such write the songs they did. How could they come up with the rhythms that they came up with? How do they know which little notes fit best with one another? I'm sure it's not rocket science. I just believe that I don't have the ability to come up with such things. I don't have the vision. I don't have the hearing. All I have are moments where I start belching out words that may or may not sound like a song. I just don't have the artistic song writing bone.

That's one other thing. God and here I pride myself with the idea that I am more of an artistic person than I am of a logical one. But I am not good in arts at ALL! I was convinced that I have the eye of an artistical person. For one thing, I went through my sister's economic magazines judging the arts of the magazine rather than the content. I sit at the back of the car looking at road advertisements and making my own little comments and figuring out how I would have made them better. That's gotta mean something right?

But well, I couldn't draw to save myself. I have a sketch book that is littered with pictures that looked like the drawings of a 7 year old. I can't even draw a proper cat without making it look like a ridiculous little mouse. I guess it can be argued that I can design fairly well on the computer. Well that's not exactly shouting greatness. I mean I can create a poster but in the end, that's how far I go I guess. Designing posters for school events and creating end-of-the-year magazines. That's not me being great at it. That's me being nominated because there are no one else who wants to do it.

I could say the same thing about my ability to write. Even if I get a certain high when I write and on certain occasions, teachers compliment me on my writing, there would always be someone who is BETTER in writing the essay than me. Regardless of how interesting I make my essays twist, I just do not get the benefit of being the best. And that is just depressing.

And don't let me even start with my mathematical and calculation ability. Back in high school, scoring maths and accounts was alright with me. But coming to Intec, I have suddenly turned into an idiot. I kept failing those subjects. That's a confidence booster now isn't it? You're suppose to come out, grow up and be smarter in those subjects. With the knowledge and experience and all. But I was downgrading and that felt awful.

Even back during my high school days, I never scored straights A's. My PMR and SPM was never great and it just seems so difficult for me to get a perfect result. There has always been a weakness somewhere in between.

How about my social skills now? I'm not exactly sure how I rank in this field. Back in high school I was the geeky girl who is loud and seemingly happy all the time. I was told that I love to pout and brute everyday. And here I thought I was being just a normal person throughout the 3 years. Apparently not. Then I come into INTEC and was perceived as this REALLY outgoing girl who is arrogant with her English speaking accent. ahaha. I didn't think anyone liked me back in semester one. But in semester two and three I start to communicate with people outside my bubble and try to be friends with other people.

And I thought I was doing fine, until one day, a girl came up to me and said hi. I introduced myself and she said she already knew who I was. I was surprised and when I asked, she simply said, "Siapa tak kenal Sasha" in a sarcastic tone. I didn't like the statement AT ALL! Everytime people kept repeating that line, I get really pissed off. I do not like it because it means that people are talking about me behind my back. I didn't care if it was good or bad, I just didn't like the idea. Based on my guess, I'm guessing they didn't have good things to say. We'll never know for sure but I guess I didn't score all that well on that part too.

Oh how about my ability to strike the fancy of a boy. AHhaHAH! That one is definitely OUT.

So gahhh! It is very frustrating to look back on your 18 years of living knowing that you are not great at anything! Yeah you're able to do many things, but you're just not GREAT at them. Urgh, I guess this is just one of those moments when you put yourself down and list down all your negativities. I guess it all comes with the fact that I will be moving to Australia, into a University where people around the world goes to. I will be surrounded by smart people who will be talking about world events, economic problems and the new accounting methods or sorts. There will be more all-rounded people in one place that I have ever been to. Where would I fit in then? I just wish I could find one thing that I know, people would go to me for because they know I am GREAT at that.

- Oh I know, I'm good at procrastinating. I'm GREAT at procrastinating. Pathetic. :\

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 11:20 pm

2 Comments:

Blogger Alyaa said...

Q: This "greatness" you want, is it for yourself or to impress others?

Maybe, just maybe, you should stop focusing on the negative aspects and start looking at the positive ones and work from there. Writing skills you say? Go and write more. Guitar playing skills? Go practice.

No matter how good you are, there WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER at it. ALWAYS. That's just how things work. Perhaps you should set a goal or something, and try to achieve that, and when you do, be happy for yourself. Be proud of yourself, because you have achieved that.

So what id you don't sound like Yuna or Estrella or those other bands you so worship, it doesn't matter. Make the best of what you already have and be thankful for it. Plus, we can always try to improve ourselves, no?

I pray that you find what you are looking for.

Cheers.

10:37 am, January 08, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey sasha
i've never heard people talking about you behind ur back
i mean, i've never heard anything bad about you
well, maybe because i don't enjoy gossiping and talking about people too.
but the bottom line is,
maybe u're famous just because you're friendly
and that does make sense why everyone knows you, right?
if it's true pun, u don't have to really bother. it's not like they're ur friends pun.heheh

ouh n btw, i'm safiya, do u remember me?
i'm blog hopping ing.heh

11:29 pm, January 27, 2009  

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