press-SURE!!

listening to : Dancing in the Moonlight - Tak ingat his name
mood : biasa
Current status : kinda mengantuk

ok! reading back my blog, I came across one of the posts.

Study Of Life.

Whoa. Thinking back! PMR is not in 52 days anymore!

Its in 41!

4 and 1!

Sigh..

Ok! Trials is in like a week and I'm still goyang-ing kaki and playing the computer. I know I should be more serious.

But theres only one problem.

I CAN'T!

Its not coming to me. I tried. I honestly did! Honest!

But the minute I start to open my book, I'd start thinking of something else.

Ok ok!

The constant nagging from mama, and ayong getting in my back a lot and my own concious-ness. Only these are the things that is pushing me to study.

And ayong now has gone back to school and mama has been really busy even she has no time to nag on me. That only leaves me to keep me form studying.

Nope! Not a good idea!
Not at all!

Well, I still have a lot to cover..

I haven't even start Agama and Geografi! I still need to brush up on my KH and Sains form 3! And we haven't even freaking finish Sejarah!

So basically
- Sains form 3
- Kh form 3
- Agama all forms
- Sejarah form 3
- Geografi all forms
- Math (I don't really study this)
- BM (brushing up on komsas)
- BI (has to finish reading Dr. J and Mr. H and me being me, has lost the book)

Owh yeah!

Uh-huh!

7 days can Totally cover this much!

NOT!!

Sigh!!

Hey! Where is that gun!

I clearly remember asking someone to shoot me through my veins!

Well, I was depressed really bad once, that I actualy considered to cut myself. Yes I know!

FARISA!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

right!?

I know I know I'm the one who's so against all this 'cut for happyness' thing.

No hard feelings to anyone!

But I was feeling really bad that day! But now, thinking back about it. I couldn't believe I even thought of it. But seriously, if ever that whole depression so bad came again, I'm looking for a blade! NO ONE STOP ME!!

Ok enough about that! How did I even get into that topic again!?

Anyways..

Yeah.. Having read Miza's blog and what she told me that day, the thought of 'PMR is around the corner' came to me again.. Curse IT!

I mean.. I have been SNAPPED to reality a lot! But its just not getting to me! I'm imune to it! To the whole thought! And that just sucks coz if I don't feel anything towards it, I won't do anything about it. And not doing anything about it means I won't study. And not studying meansI won't get good grades. And not getting good grades means I won't go to a good university. And not going to a good university means I can't study in England. Not studying in England means I can't even have a wee bit chance to meet Daniel, Emma and Rupert, and I won't get a good job. nd if I don't get a good job, I won't have money. And if I don't have money, I can't buy me clothes. And if I can't buy me clothes.. Ok lets not go there...

But basically the point is..

Not getting freaking 8A's means it'll only lead to 'NOT GETTING' in the future and I can't live with that.

Mama has threathened to take away my phone from me. Maybe it is for the best, but I need my phone with me. Shahrul calls!

And thats another thing.

Ayong too threathened to tell Mama about me sneaking out to meet Shahrul and having long conversations with Shahrul, if I don't get 8A's. And that SNAPPED me too. I can't let her do that!

And Mama told me once. Its okay if I don't get 8A'S as long as I tried my best. Yeah! Like she'd understand that. And I do believe her. She has been one cool mom who understands me even though it is only sometimes..

But now, that she knows about Shahrul, (knows that I like him I mean), I thought, If I don't get 8A's, she will use the 'tu lar! Ada boyfriend lagi!' excuse. Even though the whole 'I understand' thing.. And that kills me. She's going to ask me to break up with him or something. It just kills me to think what will happen if I don't get 8A's.

I mean, its expected. From my whole family. And when I said whole, I mean whole, as in.. Opah, Atuk, and my whole blood relatives. Its expected. All of them are like, 'eleh, Sasha kan pandai, Ayong ngan Along boleh buat, Sasha mesti boleh punya, PMR senang!' And that put pressure on me. I haven't exactly been ALL A'S MATERIAL GIRL here.

Ayong cried when she saw my last Geografi test paper.

And I think thats one of my problems. I too, have been expecting to get 8A's. believing I can because I have gotten use to getting all 8A's. Dulu I mean. And I just thought. 'I mesti boleh buat punya. Study pon studylar but mesti boleh lar' But now. Thats just not it anymore! I AM NOT SMART! WHO CARES ABOUT MY FUCKING EMAIL!

I did that just to make me feel better. To just believe that I am smart, just to keep me up. It won't let me down because I know I can do it. Sometimes I believe things that are not true, even thought I know its not true, just so the fact that its not true, doesn't pull me down. I believe I can get to England one day, even though heck Mama said thats never going to happen.

Looking at Ayong making future plans for herself scares me too. She's planning to go to France for exchange student stuff and even think about studying there. And France is already taking a lot of money. Imagine going to England, lagilah! Besides! I don't think I'd ever have the grades to go that far.. But I still keep believing I can. I do. ANd that helps me go on.

So I'm sorry to anyone who feels that its stupid believing something thats not going to happen, and basically, I don't care. Coz I know what I believe and I believe it!

And just this year, I have Armand, Tikah, Shamil, Lynn, and all my friends to compete in. Pressure right! I mean, imagine the embarassment if I don't get 8A's..

Even though one of my intentions of getting 8A's is so that I won't be embarrasses (thought its probably so wrong), but as long it helps me, as long as ut pushes me, than its alright!

So basically thats my whole point of PMR right about now!

I am expected to get this 8A's that I don't think I can get but just believing that I can helps.

And I'm sorry, to anyone who believes in me, if I don't get 8A's. Ii I dissapoint you guys. Again.

In a few months from now, you guys will see one post syaing either:

-> YAY! I GOT 8A'S! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

or

-> MOM WAS DISSAPOINTED! I FAILED ALL OF YOU!!

Pressure GILA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- 'Sasha kan pandai, mesti boleh buatlah!' I guess you haven't been checking my grades!