my BIGGEST mistake!

mood : BAD!
current status : lower than shit!

I made the biggest mistake of my life! I lied to my friends. It was stupid. I didn’t know why I did that. Well, actually, maybe I do. I came back from school yesterday feeling really depressed. Fact that I just got a very bad result for my Geography. What will mom say. Supposingly my internet will be cut off. And I just can’t live with that. I can’t live without internet. That’s basically the only time I can really talk and open up to shahrul. Take that away, might as well take everything else too. So I felt angsty of course. ‘The world is a big dark hole, I’d just better die because me living is only bringing bad things (or in this case, bad results)'. I got back and I got really hungry (eating is my cure for depression, I know I know that’s bad).
So usually, everytime I get back from school, I’ll have my lunch before I jaga my adik for my maid to have her lunch. But yesterday, who-knows-why my maid sent my brother upstairs for me to jaga whilst I eat, when she kat bawah, pergi mandi! MANDI! I mean, wait for me to eat before you mandi lar! U know, LIKE ALWAYS!! And whenever I makan, I would like some peace and quiet and nobody kacau-ing me. And there she goes, let my brother crying for me. I got pissed la kan. Especially that day when my angsty-ness rate is VERY HIGH! ARGH! I was just ready to burst.
Which is exactly what I did. I went to the toilet to wash my hands and when I got out, I saw my brother sat on my lunch! SAT ON MY LUNCH! The food was scattered, the plate is broken, he’s ass is covered in tom yam soup, and my other brother is WATCHING TV! Imran just cried and cried. I got so bengang I stomped to my mother’s bed, buried my face in the bantal, AND SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF!! My throat got kering and my back was hurting! I couldn’t stand it. I was crying so bad when I washed of my brother. I couldn’t take it anymore! And then I got an idea. I couldn’t stay there anymore. I wouldn’t.
So I just grab my brother and just left him in front of the bathroom’s door, where my maid is. I shouted at her! I grabbed the kain buruk and just cleaned up the mess. The whole time CURSING my maid. Saying things I’ve never and can’t believe that I ever did. I couldn’t stand it! I was losing my mind! I just exploded! I just dump everthing in a tray, left it in the sink, and went up to pack my bags.
I didn’t care about anything except to get out of the house. (must be how Harry felt when he stomped of the Dursleys. And I’m telling you, it ain’t pretty). Luckily, Im invited to shahir’s house for the day to play guitar. So that’s where I went. I only thought about bringing my towels, telekung, baju, and my tuisyen bag. And I stomped of to shahir’s house. My maid saw me leave. That’s what I want. I want her to be scared. I want her to worry about what will mom do to her when she finds out I’m missing. She looked worried. I didn’t care. I banged the door and head to shahir’s house. When I told him I’ll be staying at his house for one whole day (including the mandi-ing and sembahyang-ing) he freaked out. He thought I was kidding. Well when I’m really mad like that! It ain’t a joke!
So I just spent the day with shahir and shafiq. We just watched tv the whole day and played sims. Going to shell to buy my lunch. And guess what it was? A mangy Twiesties Tomatoe. Yup. I was so hungry. So I felt better then. The two boys cheered me up a little. So when I went to tuisyen, I just acted normal. Only shameen knows what really happened. When I got back, my mom asked me what happened and made me explain everything. So I did. She sympathized me. Instead of ‘NO MORE NOTHING!’, she just said, ‘are you hungry?’ she is truly the best. She went out for dinner last night. I wasn’t up for going so I stayed home and made caramel pop corns. She just brought back a cheeseburger for me, cause I said I already ate the pop corns.

* * * * *

I woke up today feeling like shit. Yeap. Shit that just got smashed by a big lorry’s tire. I woke up kind of late, and had to rush through everything. I felt so bad tadi. When I got to school, I tried to act normal. Well, I guess it didn’t work. Diana realized. I pretend like nothing happened. Only agama class cheered me up again. I was happy. The smile this time wasn’t plastered. It was real. But when I got back from agama class, it felt like shit again. (I really do need to sit near my friends again.)
When its time to go home, I just felt really down. I told Diana I ran away from home. I meant to tell her that I got back already, but played along to it for a while. She told Atikah and Gg (who told fawwaz then.) about it. And they got really worried. I just went through with it. And the cry, it was real. I couldn’t act that good sampai menangis so the cry must be real. I guess it just let go of some of the pain. And I felt nice being wrapped around my friends’ arms and their concerns. I think that’s what made me do it. I want attention. I felt lonely. Like the whole world is against me. Grades are bad, had a big fight sampai lari rumah (one of the things I never wanted to do.), I know I shouldn’t take it on my friends but being around them just made me feel secure, and loved.
Shahrul didn’t even asked me what was wrong, and I know he knows there was something wrong. And it made me feel worse that way. And when I told them I was kidding, the whole of them just got really mad at me. And I just snapped to realty, realizing what I just did! I felt really guilty, I was walking home, thinking of cutting myself ( this one thing I know I WON’T ever do, and lucky I didn’t ) I just balik and cried. And this time I didn’t feel like shit, I felt lower the shit. The one thing I need most at a time like this, is my friends, and I lied to them. I didn’t know what to do. I apologized and they said they weren’t mad. I didn’t believe them. They have to marah. I want them to. I just lied to them, made them stay back and stuff, and for what, for attention? GOD!
I hate myself right now. I couldn’t forgive myself for doing that. I just want to write to express how I feel. To have someone to talk to. To tell, but don’t need to hear anything from them, just for them to listen. I want my sister right now. Its not like I tell her all my problems, hopes and dreams, but having a sister by my side, is what I need right now. (since I screwed up with my friends.)

-n-

there won't be anymore Perky Miss Perfect. She's dead. and this will be the last time I write like this. I will be different. A new person. Out with the old and in with the new. The new Farisa will be more serious. A whole lot more serious.

- I'm gonna miss me..