Friday, March 16, 2007

don't CRY joni

I'm suppose to post about my spm results but I don't really have that time. So I'm postponing it. As always.

Enjoy this song in the mean while. The videoclip is pretty stupid. Heck it's boring. But listen to the words carefully. Then you'll like it

Try to guess what the song is all about. ;D

- you're just 15 and I'm 22. [dang!]

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 10:40 am | 1 Comments

Sunday, March 11, 2007

anxiety is ME.

Something bothers me.

It's not my running nose. It's not my itching leg. It's not my messy hair. It's something worse. Something deeper. Something you can't touch. Something you can't see. Something I desperately need to go away.

Something bothers me. It's in my mind.

I know it has always been there. Always been there the very second I even knew such thing exists. I just have never prioritize it. Never want to think about it. Never want to acknowledge it. Never want to face it.

Something bothers me and I am scared.

My friends rant about it. My friends blog about it. I just push it to the back. I was glad of how it goes. My friends talk about it, I console their worries, then I place it back on the empty shelf at the back. But now...

It bothers me and it makes me want to cry.

I was doing okay for the past 2 months or so. Sleeping, working, playing and eating. Glad that its not coming. Not coming yet. But I was reminded of it. I was caught off guard by it. Because my colleague asked me a question that made me answer 10 days. And that moment, for the first time in my life, I felt that 10 days was so short. Its so soon. Its so.. coming.

I hate this feeling in my gut. I hate this thing that is bothering me. I hate the fact that I have to face it. And I so very hate the fact that it is soon.

This is it. I mean 10 days is it. In 10 days I will know what my future holds for me. In 10 days, I will be experiencing the day I have known for many many years now. The day that I always told myself "no not yet. it'll still be a long way before that!"

I think because the thought of it have been fixed into our head for so long, right when we're as young as 7 years old, that we have convinced ourselves that that time is still so long ago. Even the starting of year 2006 I silently reminded myself that it's still a long way to go. I have got one year, thats enough.

But now it bothers me to wonder whether it's really enough or not. In 10 days I'll soon learn.

I am scared. I am nervous. I really don't know what to think. A few days before this, there has been a confusion about it's date. There was a chance that it might have came out 2 days after that whole confusion. And it didn't bother me then. Even though there was that possibility that my future could change in two days, I wasn't nervous. And that worries me. I was worried that I didn't have enough feel towards this whole shingabang.

But now I'd pick not being worry for this itchy feeling anytime.

I travel through my imagination sometimes, wondering, picturing how the day would turn out. It wouldn't be much different from that day I took something similar to it 2 years ago. But I picture the emotions to run higher and deeper than that of two years ago.

Two years ago, we went through it just to get our place in the top classes. But now, it determines if you're good enough to be a somebody. And being a somebody is so very important.

I have decided to wear my best kurung today. The one where red strikes everywhere. I put on my scarf and tumbled up and down, late. I promised my friends that we would meet up at the canteen before the time comes. We would console each other for the last time and I would try to find any speck of peace I could grab on to because my body is all too consumed with nervousness.
I put on my slippers and clumsily walk in my kurung towards school.

The canteen is full of familiar faces. I looked around to find the ones I'm most comfortable with. It wasn't that easy to spot my friends because when I look at all the faces at that canteen, I could spot a similarity. Anxiety. A feeling I very much am connected with.

My friends and I rambled and rant and I could just imagine what goes on in their heads. There was a few false alarms. Some group of excited boys would claim that the car carrying it have arrived and that would scare the shit out of everyone. But it wasn't until an hour or so that the teachers declared it was definitely, time.

My friends and I exchanged hugs and good lucks then all of us just somehow scrambled. Our minds are no longer to anything else except that. I gathered my things and stayed just a moment longer to finally release everything I could to the boy I call boyfriend and he lazily told me that I would do fine before he, in turn expressed the same thing.

We walked a few heart pumping steps to the respected halls. At that time, my ears were mute of any sound that was all around me. All I could hear was the tubthumping of my heart, and the voice inside of me repeating "AAAAHHHHHHHHHSSSSS".

When we reached the fork road, my boyfriend finally gave his good luck and parted with me to get what belongs to him. Thats when I was left alone there, surrounded by all those people and yet, at that very moment, I felt so alone. Because at that time, I realized that my entire future, was forever and always, in my hands. And no one else would be responsible of how I do today, because it is all me. I am responsible for everything. I scolded myself for not studying more. I scolded myself because I believed there is more that I could do. I scolded myself, because I couldn't accept the fact, that I might fail. Then that was it. The tears fell.

A friend of mine who happens to be my classmate, plant me a huge hug and telling me it'll be alright but she herself was showering tears. We then slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, made our way to the table in question and stopping every few seconds to have people come up to us. Some were already crying because they didn't get what they wished. Some are laughing because they are hiding their fears behind those set of teeth. Some are jumping and screaming, for they get to go back home and share with everyone their achievement. And some would come up to me and tell me, I will do just fine.

I couldn't even smile my gratitude, I was too scared. My friend excused herself with one final hug for she was going to go and find out her fate. I stood there a little longer. I could feel the tense. I smiled at those who are smiling, I was more shaken at the sight of those who are crying. My legs felt numb.

I want to run away though I knew that was not the answer. Don't be stupid, I tried to tell myself among all those "ahhhss" in my head. I flatter myself at the fact that I could still spot my boyfriend regardless of the pool of tears I have clouding my sight. He came up to me with his heart melting smile and told me the good news. I didn't care about what others do or think. I grabbed him into one long congratulatory hug. He smiled and thanked his God before asking me what happens with me.

I cried again and expressed that I haven't got mine. And I don't want to know. He would be the one to push me to that table and telling me that I'll do fine. I cried. I cried. and I cried some more. People stopped us on the way and came up to me and go.. "Hey you, it's okay. It is not the end of the world". My boyfriend laughed and told them that I was overreacting. That I haven't got mine yet and that I am already crying some rivers. These people would laugh and rushed me to get mine.

There I was stepping into the class. People were crowding through the door with mixed feelings. I can feel the intensity. I stepped at the table in question. An Indian lady I used to call teacher gave me a convincing smile. She greeted me with a good luck and ruffled through the stack of thin papers in front of her to find what belongs to me. She cried her relief and handed me that piece of paper while I forced my shaking hand for it.

That is when I'd probably die. Or cry hysterically. Or both. Or cry hysterically till I die. Or die and be laughed hysterically at. You choose.

I know people would squirm while reading. So I'm sorry you did. But if you figured what it was about earlier, you could have saved yourself. But if you're reading this now, it means you've already gone through this post.

I am terribly frightened. I admit. I don't want to entertain it. But I admit it.

Imagine yourself in that moment. The moment where everything might change in just one second. I can see myself holding that piece of paper. I can imagine myself crying and crying. And think about it, it only takes ONE second in between not knowing what the future holds, to knowing what you've got. That is so sickening. It only takes one second to change everything. The way you think. They way you feel. They way you act. And the way your future might turn out. I feel so sick. I feel so down.

So all I am doing now to calm me down is by praying to God. That is the last possible thing I can think of doing to somehow help me when I face through it soon. It sucks waiting for your life to change. Its not a good feeling.

ps: I said 10 days because I wrote it 10 days before the 12th of March but I didn't want to post it earlier as I know you guys wouldn't want to be reminded of it anymore than you already have.

- Good Luck my friends.

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 11:00 am | 1 Comments