Friday, May 07, 2010

Depressing Friday Night

I am torn between feeling pathetic, depressed and glad right now. Friday has come once again and tomorrow, although it is a weekend,tomorrow will be another busy day for me. Today was already a long day especially with me sleeping as late as 5am this morning.

We just found out that our previous direction for the upcoming Marketing report is wrong and we needed to refocus on something bigger than what we've got. The report is due Monday and imagine how my heart sank when I found out. I spent the whole of last night trying to get my Finance 1 assignment (which unfortunately needs to be sent on the same Monday) moving so I could concentrate the weekend on my Marketing assignment.

I dreaded today's Marketing group meeting simply because I knew there was a lot more to do but it went better than I thought. One of our group mates found a lot already and has made the process much easier. We also owe it to our tutor for helping us outline what we needed to do. I am staying optimistic that we can finish the assignment well. I am also glad that I am only in charge of 2 to 3 parts out of the many. That reduces much effort and my part only needs researching on the company website, which means essentially, everything is there.

I could have concentrated my Tuesday and Wednesday on Finance 1 however because more than one of my Microeconomics group mate didn't do their part right in the assignment, I had to correct it for them which ate up two extra days than I allocated. The things you'd do for people.

I hope the weekend will turn out good especially with the morning Festival Malaysia meeting (I am quite nervous with this), the Malaysian Aspiration Program general meeting (I will just participate fairly in this), the MASCA meeting right afterwards and our MAD BBQ dinner at night. That means I have the whole of Sunday to cram 2 assignments.

Ya Allah rajinkanlah aku Insyallah.

- I am in need of new songs :(

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 7:00 pm | 2 Comments

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Singing my life out

Throughout my years I have associated many songs with situations. This started with the day I came to school stressed. Hamiza came up to me and told me to listen to The Middle by Jimmy Eats World. She told me it was her uplifting song and that it makes her feel better. I wasn't much into music yet at the time so I gave it a try.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

I still jump and scream to the song every now and then when I am stressed. My mind has just associated the song with feeling good. This was explained to me once when I joined a lecture on Psychology back in Form 5. According to the expert, whenever we feel an emotion, try to associate it with a particular action. For example, when you are laughing or feeling happy, try to press your thumbs. If you do it enough, your brain will associate the feeling of happy with the pressing of your thumb. I remember the talk very well. I suppose it is easier for the brain to associate music with conditions.

Like the time Shahrul sang to me Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard via MSN Messenger on my birthday. He told me he wasn't one to sing a lot and especially not in front of people. But that night, with the ridiculous microphone connection, he braved the dark night alone downstairs singing, what I assume, was his current favourite song of the time.

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I was much in love with him at that age of 15/16. Everything felt right and I had a bestfriend I could rely anything on. Speaking of best friends, my mind swayed to Sway by Bic Runga. It was nearing Prom Night and my friends and I decided to try out for the performance. We spent time together learning many songs but this song was one all of us agreed upon. I remember the Juliettes were formed in the 10 minutes we were in the car ride to the audition.

And there's no cure, And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out, Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired, I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart, My logic has been torn apart

And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten my every afternoon

I would never forget the day we practised this song. Miza and Gg were dividing their singing parts while Diana and I shared the background guitar. I remembered the hums we did and the background sounds we concocted. I could never fail to think of them and the memories when the song hits my ears. Another one that I can never forget to smile to is Pyar Dilon Ka Mi Lah Heyh (I am spelling it as I pronounce it). It is a song from one of a favourite Hindustan movie of mine called, Dilwale Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge (again spelling as I'm pronouncing it).

The song shows both Karisma Kapoor and Salman Khan dancing to their love at the beach, on the boat and every other place associated with the two. I can never forget this song because it was the only one that I dance with my sister quite enthusiastically back then. I remember I played the guy while she played the girl and we would blast it out so loud and dancing in the living room regardless of the small space. We even dressed up for it once. It was memorable and I bonded with my sister with it. It seems ridiculous when I watch it again now but at the time, I was my sister's Salman, and she was my Karisma :)

And these memories apply also to the songs that I associated with Faza.

INTEC was such a dark period for me but the initial days where Faza introduced me to a whole new world outside the one I have been living in, I couldn't help but to be pulled into the vortex of memory everytime one of the songs played. Whats hard about this part is that I associate a lot of songs with him, and its even harder that the story with him didn't end well. So unlike the other songs where I feel happy, his songs just reminds me of all the things that has happened.

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz: He introduced me to this song way before it came out on radio. I loved the lyrics so much because it depicted exactly what I felt for him. This song especially was significant during the period where I contemplated on telling him that I had feelings for him.

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Rindu Dendam by MONOLOQUE: He introduced me to this favourite singer of his. I particularly related with this because what the singer sings and strives for, is a total opposite with the kind of life I have been living. MONOLOQUE gave me a new set of eyes and mindset and this song was one of the few that makes me want to cry. It was even harder because this was the song that accompanied me when I was visiting my sister in London and texting Faza was expensive. So everytime it played, my depression kicks in.

demi alam yg luas bebaskan beta lepas
agar cinta abadi dpt ku nikmati

memang cinta itu buta tak mengenal sgalanya
namun beta tak berdaya hanya aku berserah

oh tuhan yg berkuasa, lihatlah aku kecewa
demi alam yg luas, bebaskan beta lepas

tapi kini ku rela
walau dilamun asmara, hanya ku bawa berdiam
segala rindu dendam

Tak Pernah Melupakanmu by Couple: This is the most memorable out of all. This was the song that I used to tell him that I had feelings for him. We were chatting one afternoon and it lasted until evening. I never did say the exact words but I returned this song to him (he gave me this song) and told him to listen to the lyrics properly. It was perfect to what I felt for him at the time.

Betapa aku menyukaimu
Tidakkah kau sadari itu?
Ku di depan matamu, kau tak melihatku
Betapa ku sangat menyukaimu

I can't believe I have indulged that chapter of my life again. But yes, the period was a very depressing yet necessary period for me. But I have changed now. I refocused my interest and I have changed my perception. I learn to trust less and I try to understand who I am, what I like and what my purpose in life is. I found new friends and my old ones kept me in my place. Now I think The Show by Lenka suits me perfectly. The lyrics are about a girl just trying to understand life as she goes by. I'm still figuring it out myself.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, I can't do it alone
I tried, but I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
Coz its too much, yeah its a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool, out of love
Coz I just can't get enough

Other than that, I have made Pelan Tapi Pasti by White Shoes and the Couples Company to be one of my feel good songs too. The voice, the feel, the tune, the lyrics all encourages you to just take things slow, do things right, and enjoy what you have. Its a really good song to sing and close your eyes to dance to.

Laju melaju
Menembak angin di jalan raya
Riuh meriuh
Kamu janganlah terpengaruh
Tahan emosi
Meluncur pelan tapi pasti

And many of Zee Avi songs just makes me feel good on the inside. A truly amazing voice. I suppose many songs come and go and it fits right into your current mood. But there are just those that stays and swipes you back to once upon the days where you first felt what you felt to the song. Some may be good memories, others may not be as kind, but its those songs that reminds you of who you are and where you have been. I hope to have more songs to associate with.

I can't wait for my wedding song though :) Whatever it may be.

- Darling it ain't easy, for me to say goodbye, but I just hope that we have better lives :)

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 3:49 pm | 3 Comments