deep THINKER I'm not.
I don't know why. I always try to write a post that explans the way I feel. I mean deeply. The way Miza writes. I knew I shouldn't be trying to copy anyone, that I should be different and all that. But I mean, sometimes I wonder if I even have that part of me inside this whole system. I mean, have you ever seen Farisa a deep thinker who feels life and go "you shine like the light from the stars".
Personally, I think I'd gross myself out if I would have said that. But I mean, if I were to be all goofy and funny with a hint of pathetic all the time, people will never take me seriously. I mean, everytime you see Farisa, either she'd be laughing, she'd be crying, making a fool of herself, or she would be very 'mengedik' with her boyfriend.
Yes, I feel rather sick of me sometimes too. But thats just it doesn't it. YOU CAN'T BE SICK OF YOURSELF. I mean you have to live with yourself. OKay to tell you the truth, I like being me. I control myself right. I should do what i love to do. What I want to do. But is it weird if I told you that I don't really act myself sometimes.
Sometimes, I do things out of my control. I mean, I don't go dance stark naked or take funky drugs or anything like that. But inside, sometimes I feel things I shouldn't feel. Sometimes, I say things I told myself not to. And most of the time it gets me into trouble. Sometimes I get bothered by the most simplest of things. I do. I am very emotional. Not good emotional. Frustrating emotional.
I reflected my life before, and some of the things I've done, made people hate me. I know. They don't need to say it. And what pains me the most is that I let people bother me a lot. Maybe sometimes, I deny it, but I care so much about what people think about me. I had a funy past. I had no friends when I was a kid. No true ones at least. And it wasn't until a long time later when i know that people I called friends, really hated my guts.
I didn't know what was wrong with me. But at one point I do. Its because of who I am. What I do. And seriously speaking, these things I do, I don't even know its wrong. It took me through a rough childhood. Its true. And that is why it bothers me so much when I know now that there is anyone who doesn't like me. I've been doing great with my friends, now that I have true friends now. I'm doing socially okay now. But it takes me back when I know there are peopel who doesn;t liek me. Its hard to explain I suppose but it really bothers me. Deep inside.
Owh well, I suppose thats life. So back to the min point. I want to be able to write as a deep thinker. To assure myself that there is a par of me that is thinking deeply. A part of me that really feels towards life and not just go through it the way its planned to be like. To know that I am.. stabil at least. AHhaah.
Well, I;m not saying I'm gonna go register myself in any 'deep thinking' class anytime soon, I'm just saying that I wanna explore new things you know. I wanna be able to understand myself fully, instead of just knowing the fact that I love pastas, and I hate fat. (wow, those to really contradicts each other)
There are people in this world that I am jealous of. How could it be that one could be so perfect. And if you are not perfect, you'd go saying bad stuff about people who is. Its really unfair. Especially when I'm the one who is not perfect. Well, I do try my best. Don't you think I'm a funny girl. Not literally funny. Just funny. Well I think I am. And sometimes, I feel like I'm wearing this big mask, hiding the real me. I wish I could let me out. I suppose I shouldn't show the whole of me. I mean, I did say I'm imperfect. So you wouldn't wanna see the yucky side of me.
- I talk too much. "Iqbal". hahhAHAHAH. (NO. not Iqbal Iqbal)
from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 9:41 pm | 4 Comments