Thursday, March 20, 2008

Here I am agian. Staring at the same four walls. I feel much too guilty to not do my homework. But my mind is too caught up to start. Caught up with what I am not exactly sure myself. But I know it is not leaving anytime soon and that is potentially very troublesome.

I am flat on my bed right now at home. Here I am for my four days mid term holiday. One day is gone and another will end way too soon yet I have had no improvements on my homework or my plan to work out. I am merely a mushroom growing slowly and lazily. Doing exactly nothing.

I am bored with my current life now. It feels as though I have nothing to look forward to. It is as if I wake up everyday convincing myself to get through it, all the while wishing it would be over soon so I can retire back to sleep. Because sleep is the time I get to run away from everything. Sleep is the time God gives me the chance to be someone else. In my dreams. Where I can lead a different life than what I have now. Because apparently, what I have now is not something I particularly like. Sigh..

I have been having some troubles with my friends here in Intec. I feel as though I am being pushed away by them. They still talk to me of course but I feel as if I am less and less apart of them now. I do not understand why but I wish it to be over soon. I am just scared that it would take a toll on my studies. And that is the last thing I would want to happen.

I have always wondered why I am designed this way. In such a way that I care so much about what people perceive of me. I feel as if I tend to change or restrict myself according to what people think and see of me because only then do I get to fit in and please them, be exactly who they want me to be. I remind myself everyday that I am not someone who can be easily persuaded and altered by what people think of me, but in reality, I am only lying to myself. I so very care. I care too much that it is the reason I cry to sleep every night and start my days with a big sigh.

Due to my friends acting coolly around me, I have extracted quite a relationship with a boy in my class named Adam. He listens to me and entertain my rants whenever I need to do just that. I appreciate that. But I need my girlfriends. But I have to tell myself that what everyone says is true, it is hard to find true friends now. So I am alone and have to be fine with it.

Sat for my maths first test the other day. I guess I didn't do that badly but I know I could do better. Had my Accounts quiz but surprisingly that one sucked. I have a big Economics presentation soon. Haven't started anything. Will die.

Am entering a music competition on Monday named THE WORLD IDOL. It is organised by a bunch of American Degree Program students. Not really hoping to win but am just playing for a friend of mine who had asked me to play the guitar for her. And out of all the songs we are to play, she chose KISS ME. It was a simple decision for me to make as I know that song front back and centre.

Wish me luck for my coming days.

- I miss Encik Faza :(

from the mind to the fingers of Farisa Roslan | 5:32 pm | 3 Comments