Konfrontasi Primadona 1965

I love it when he uses his language to try to comfort me. He knew I was upset.

"Masihkah ada rasa marah-marah selalu?"..

was all the text said.

And this was one of the reasons I fell head over heels for him.

No there won't be another like him. :)


- Kabus malam tanpa bulan bintang, seribu satu kisah lenggang lenggok punggungmu.

You'd Think A Girl Would Learn

Hello,

I think I am having one of those days where you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I slept relatively early last night and yet it took me that late to wake up. I missed Subuh, I woke up late and I'm waking up to a meeting that I'm not looking forward to. Sigh.

Last night was a full night. We went to Solat Hajat at Malaysian Hall. The attendance was big but I think there could have been even more. I got a plate of Laksa Johor to satisfy a craving and the carrot cake was awesome. The small presentation by Puan Zaharah was also very eye opening. She played a video of the process of burying someone. The video was accompanied by a melancholic song reminding the listeners of the dosa-dosa one have done and how it will be too late to repent once your last breath have been taken away from you.

We then went to grab some Churros (Spanish doughnuts) at Queen Victoria Mall. It was a nice night to let loose, simple outing, nice weather, good company. The outing also made me realize certain things about certain people and I suppose that's just how I got a bit emotional before bed. I realized that many times I have been over-thinking a lot of things and I easily get excited about, well everything. Although I have been told that this quirky, loud personality of mine is fun to be around, many times it has gotten me into trouble. I suppose I just need to twitch some wires in my brain to understand that life does not always go how I imagine it would. And things are not always as it seems.

I'm waiting for my Hash Brown to be fully cooked this morning. I'm plastered with a frown and the dire need to rewind time so I would wake up for my Subuh. I hate this feeling when I stopped having control over my life. And I hate this feeling that I really want to study, but the time have passed to God knows where.

I hope my prayers will be heard last night. And I hope my prayers will be heard throughout.

Times like these makes me miss home, my parents, my friends back home and Shahrul Iman. :(

Oh, also I would like to share a video of a song I have loved since the first time I heard it. I'm going back down to memory lane listening to random Disney songs. It brings me back to the times when I was carefree :)



I love the miniature angels.


- But there's gotta be an easier way. An easier way to start the day.

Knight in Shining Sweater

Knight: Hey, where are you now? At uni?

Damsel: Yes, I am trying to finish up my assignment. So stressed.

Knight: Brrr.. Its so cold

Damsel: I know right. But its just nice here in the library.

Knight: What time are you going back?

Damsel: I'm not sure yet. Perhaps not long from now.

Knight: Do you know that its raining outside?

Damsel: Omg! Really? I didn't know that. Oh its going to be so cold going back.

Knight: Yeah do you have umbrella?

Damsel: Nope. I'm not even wearing a jacket. Forgot to bring one. Damn it.

Knight: Oh, you're going to freeze yourself. Its really cold.

Damsel: Omg really? What do I do now!?

Knight: Better wait for the rain to stop.

Damsel: You know you this is your chance to be a hero

Knight: What do you mean?

Damsel: This is the chance for you to be a knight in shining armor. You can come over the library and bring me an umbrella and a jacket :D

Knight: Oh. Where are you at?

Damsel: Haha. I'm over at the university library.

Knight: Is that the one near the park?

Damsel: Yes, but hey that was just a joke really. You do not need to come. Thank you for the thought though :)

Knight: But its really cold outside.

Damsel: Its okay. I'll manage. I'll make a run for it after I'm done.

Knight: What time are you planning to go back?

Damsel: I'm almost done. Perhaps in another 10 minutes.

Knight: Then I shall see you at the library in 15 minutes. Wait for me at the entrance ok. I'll bring you a jacket.

Damsel: Hey you really do not need to do this you know

Knight: No thats ok :)

Damsel: :)

Obsession.

She waited for her roommate to be fast asleep before braving to the dark kitchen to make herself a necessary cup of coffee. She was convinced that she could finish pouring everything she knew about the secondary market by 2am but the alternative was ridiculously tempting. She found that flipping to that particular blinking orange Yahoo Messenger conversation box was making her heart flip even more than the idea of not sleeping the whole night. She knew it would be trouble but she could not find the will to resist.

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I got to finally sigh out my relief at 4 this afternoon as I click the send button to my final assignment for this semester. The weekend has not been very hectic. All I can deduce out of it was that it has been quick. Saturday was filled with meetings and such. I stepped into the Festival Malaysia meeting to be greeted by only few, all familiar faces. The meeting went well. I wasn't much prepared but after putting it all in perspective, I admit I actually am quite excited to dive into this. I understand that much of my time will be gone to that but I've always been excited in event management. I'm just a little worried as I am quite bad at delegating tasks and it may affect every other thing in my life but I do think I could learn from it.

The meeting was followed by lunch with Kuchai and Gajan. I really do think that I have gotten close to that boy. In my opinion, he has a questionable way of representing himself but he has a distinct mindset and is always genuine in what he does. We then made our way to the Malaysia Aspiration Program GM. I self elected myself as the Secretary of the Returning Officer and was voted to take the Deputy of Logistics and Special Tasks. A post which I will respectfully give to someone else as I needed to concentrate on Festival Malaysia now.

I sat down in front of my computer, my head spinning and my body stinking inside the warmth of my sleeping bag. I stared aimlessly for a while when my head swam through motions of what had happened since Wednesday. I realize that I like to be in control. I personally do not think that that is a particularly bad thing. I realize this due to my three recent assignments. I chose my Marketing group mate because they were sitting at my table at the time of recruitment while I was chosen to join the three boys for Microeconomics because the Malaysian boy knew my name in class.

I knew my MicroEcons group was going to be good because I teamed up with boys whom I assume were quite good with Economics (and this is purely based on the stereotypical assumption that geeky Chinese Malaysians are smart). Gary turned out great as he did know a lot but I was quite disappointed at how one of the boys failed to meet us even once. Gary and I were the ones who always end up meeting and although I refuse to be the assumed leader, Gary never failed to consult me in most of the things they were doing. I was glad that he was semangat enough into the project even though he had 3 other assignments due the very week.

I was quite nervous going into my Marketing group because it consisted of 5 people all from different countries. I, the Malaysian was to work with an Australian, a Mexican, a Singaporean and an Indonesian. I later found that these people were quite outspoken and knowledgeable so I relaxed as I know it was going to be ok. The group was great only except the fact that no one really stepped up and we had quite bad planning. Meetings weren't really prepared properly and randomly had all 5 members meet together. They assumed me as the team leader when no one started speaking up. I didn't mind only except the fact that I didn't know much about the actual company that we were researching, Virgin Blue, I only knew about the structure of the assignment. I continued this role found later that they came to the last meeting quite prepared and equipped. I was proud of them. However, due to bad planning a lot of things just went out of place and some gotten more work than others.

While all of them did chip in and do their parts, I kept getting this urging feeling inside of me that I needed to be the one to compile everyone's part and be the last to have a look at the reports before they are deemed to be fit for submission. I voluntarily chose to take on the job for economics assignment as I didn't trust them with proper English and sentence constructions but what pissed me off most was that many didn't do their part as planned and so I needed to do research and readings to re-do their parts. Although I kept positive in reminding myself that it is for good revision, I still felt that I could have used those times to focus on my two other upcoming assignments. And my problem is that I get very carried away with making things coherent and perfect that it takes up a lot of time. I re-did their graphs to fit mine just so that it looks more cohesive.

As for my Marketing report, I was adamant to refuse the role of compiler as on the same day, I would need to send in my Finance 1 assignment as well. I finished my part of the report early (although at the time my head was swimming with all sorts of rubbish that I didn't do it quite as good as I planned to). Although so, I was confident the group were able to make it better. I decided to leave it at that. But once I have finished my Finance assignment, I submitted it and found that a have a few hours to squeeze in some much needed sleep before my Finance lecture that day.

But of course, having that urge to be in control made me volunteer myself as the compiler for Marketing assignment too. I knew I could have let someone else done it as originally planned, as someone else did compile it. Although so, I had that huge urge to go through every single detail of the report in order to make it perfect. This obsession has gotten me to skip both my Finance lecture and tutorial. Although it did contribute to the betterment of the report and the group, I have personally made my self worst off.

Although I was quite satisfied with getting that control, the lack of sleep got to me and every other thing (like my homework due the next day) went badly. Sigh.

Damn. This. Obsession.

- Get yourself up off bed. This is a new day today :)

Depressing Friday Night

I am torn between feeling pathetic, depressed and glad right now. Friday has come once again and tomorrow, although it is a weekend,tomorrow will be another busy day for me. Today was already a long day especially with me sleeping as late as 5am this morning.

We just found out that our previous direction for the upcoming Marketing report is wrong and we needed to refocus on something bigger than what we've got. The report is due Monday and imagine how my heart sank when I found out. I spent the whole of last night trying to get my Finance 1 assignment (which unfortunately needs to be sent on the same Monday) moving so I could concentrate the weekend on my Marketing assignment.

I dreaded today's Marketing group meeting simply because I knew there was a lot more to do but it went better than I thought. One of our group mates found a lot already and has made the process much easier. We also owe it to our tutor for helping us outline what we needed to do. I am staying optimistic that we can finish the assignment well. I am also glad that I am only in charge of 2 to 3 parts out of the many. That reduces much effort and my part only needs researching on the company website, which means essentially, everything is there.

I could have concentrated my Tuesday and Wednesday on Finance 1 however because more than one of my Microeconomics group mate didn't do their part right in the assignment, I had to correct it for them which ate up two extra days than I allocated. The things you'd do for people.

I hope the weekend will turn out good especially with the morning Festival Malaysia meeting (I am quite nervous with this), the Malaysian Aspiration Program general meeting (I will just participate fairly in this), the MASCA meeting right afterwards and our MAD BBQ dinner at night. That means I have the whole of Sunday to cram 2 assignments.

Ya Allah rajinkanlah aku Insyallah.

- I am in need of new songs :(

Singing my life out

Throughout my years I have associated many songs with situations. This started with the day I came to school stressed. Hamiza came up to me and told me to listen to The Middle by Jimmy Eats World. She told me it was her uplifting song and that it makes her feel better. I wasn't much into music yet at the time so I gave it a try.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right

I still jump and scream to the song every now and then when I am stressed. My mind has just associated the song with feeling good. This was explained to me once when I joined a lecture on Psychology back in Form 5. According to the expert, whenever we feel an emotion, try to associate it with a particular action. For example, when you are laughing or feeling happy, try to press your thumbs. If you do it enough, your brain will associate the feeling of happy with the pressing of your thumb. I remember the talk very well. I suppose it is easier for the brain to associate music with conditions.

Like the time Shahrul sang to me Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard via MSN Messenger on my birthday. He told me he wasn't one to sing a lot and especially not in front of people. But that night, with the ridiculous microphone connection, he braved the dark night alone downstairs singing, what I assume, was his current favourite song of the time.

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I was much in love with him at that age of 15/16. Everything felt right and I had a bestfriend I could rely anything on. Speaking of best friends, my mind swayed to Sway by Bic Runga. It was nearing Prom Night and my friends and I decided to try out for the performance. We spent time together learning many songs but this song was one all of us agreed upon. I remember the Juliettes were formed in the 10 minutes we were in the car ride to the audition.

And there's no cure, And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out, Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired, I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart, My logic has been torn apart

And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten my every afternoon

I would never forget the day we practised this song. Miza and Gg were dividing their singing parts while Diana and I shared the background guitar. I remembered the hums we did and the background sounds we concocted. I could never fail to think of them and the memories when the song hits my ears. Another one that I can never forget to smile to is Pyar Dilon Ka Mi Lah Heyh (I am spelling it as I pronounce it). It is a song from one of a favourite Hindustan movie of mine called, Dilwale Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge (again spelling as I'm pronouncing it).

The song shows both Karisma Kapoor and Salman Khan dancing to their love at the beach, on the boat and every other place associated with the two. I can never forget this song because it was the only one that I dance with my sister quite enthusiastically back then. I remember I played the guy while she played the girl and we would blast it out so loud and dancing in the living room regardless of the small space. We even dressed up for it once. It was memorable and I bonded with my sister with it. It seems ridiculous when I watch it again now but at the time, I was my sister's Salman, and she was my Karisma :)

And these memories apply also to the songs that I associated with Faza.

INTEC was such a dark period for me but the initial days where Faza introduced me to a whole new world outside the one I have been living in, I couldn't help but to be pulled into the vortex of memory everytime one of the songs played. Whats hard about this part is that I associate a lot of songs with him, and its even harder that the story with him didn't end well. So unlike the other songs where I feel happy, his songs just reminds me of all the things that has happened.

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz: He introduced me to this song way before it came out on radio. I loved the lyrics so much because it depicted exactly what I felt for him. This song especially was significant during the period where I contemplated on telling him that I had feelings for him.

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Rindu Dendam by MONOLOQUE: He introduced me to this favourite singer of his. I particularly related with this because what the singer sings and strives for, is a total opposite with the kind of life I have been living. MONOLOQUE gave me a new set of eyes and mindset and this song was one of the few that makes me want to cry. It was even harder because this was the song that accompanied me when I was visiting my sister in London and texting Faza was expensive. So everytime it played, my depression kicks in.

demi alam yg luas bebaskan beta lepas
agar cinta abadi dpt ku nikmati

memang cinta itu buta tak mengenal sgalanya
namun beta tak berdaya hanya aku berserah

oh tuhan yg berkuasa, lihatlah aku kecewa
demi alam yg luas, bebaskan beta lepas

tapi kini ku rela
walau dilamun asmara, hanya ku bawa berdiam
segala rindu dendam

Tak Pernah Melupakanmu by Couple: This is the most memorable out of all. This was the song that I used to tell him that I had feelings for him. We were chatting one afternoon and it lasted until evening. I never did say the exact words but I returned this song to him (he gave me this song) and told him to listen to the lyrics properly. It was perfect to what I felt for him at the time.

Betapa aku menyukaimu
Tidakkah kau sadari itu?
Ku di depan matamu, kau tak melihatku
Betapa ku sangat menyukaimu

I can't believe I have indulged that chapter of my life again. But yes, the period was a very depressing yet necessary period for me. But I have changed now. I refocused my interest and I have changed my perception. I learn to trust less and I try to understand who I am, what I like and what my purpose in life is. I found new friends and my old ones kept me in my place. Now I think The Show by Lenka suits me perfectly. The lyrics are about a girl just trying to understand life as she goes by. I'm still figuring it out myself.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, I can't do it alone
I tried, but I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
Coz its too much, yeah its a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool, out of love
Coz I just can't get enough

Other than that, I have made Pelan Tapi Pasti by White Shoes and the Couples Company to be one of my feel good songs too. The voice, the feel, the tune, the lyrics all encourages you to just take things slow, do things right, and enjoy what you have. Its a really good song to sing and close your eyes to dance to.

Laju melaju
Menembak angin di jalan raya
Riuh meriuh
Kamu janganlah terpengaruh
Tahan emosi
Meluncur pelan tapi pasti

And many of Zee Avi songs just makes me feel good on the inside. A truly amazing voice. I suppose many songs come and go and it fits right into your current mood. But there are just those that stays and swipes you back to once upon the days where you first felt what you felt to the song. Some may be good memories, others may not be as kind, but its those songs that reminds you of who you are and where you have been. I hope to have more songs to associate with.

I can't wait for my wedding song though :) Whatever it may be.

- Darling it ain't easy, for me to say goodbye, but I just hope that we have better lives :)

I crave for Nando's.

I cringed waking up this morning because I knew it was going to be a hectic day. My free Wednesday is being replaced with 2 group discussions and one replacement class. I knew I shouldn't have much to complaint since I did get a Monday off, but still.

After MAD, I feel like I have gotten a bit out of my own head. I have sort of abandoned my studies for a while and now that I have, must, need to pick it up again, I find it quite difficult. I know this will be on my own implication but I have gotten Mama, Abah and my promise to them as a reminder for me to score well today. Plus, I have made a bet with a friend of mine to score High Distinctions for at least two of my four subjects.

My Marketing group discussion today went better than I thought it would. The people are so fun and they are extremely nice. They are quite updated with their work and pushed me to do good as well, as compared to my OB group last year where there wasn't much cohesiveness and teamwork. I have another at 4 o'clock later today with a very handsome Australian friend of mine, Xavier. He is so enthusiastic about Arabic that he even excites me into it.

I'm not as excited about tomorrow's Micro discussion though. Simply because I barely know my group mates (I was recruited as a matter of factly) and we need to answer our own questions before coming in the discussion. I know thats basically how these things work but as I have been quite out of Micro, I'm not sure how pathetic I will look tomorrow. I'm glad I have some free time to study for it today.

Other than that, I guess I'm just really excited to go see my sister and be at her Graduation in July. I have not seen her for a while (okay so last Raya wasn't that long) but the best part of it is that mom let me stay in London longer than the family will, which means I get to tour the place on my own account. Ayong promised a short trip to Paris and Rome along the lines. Whats even better she said she will be dumping all her winter coats and what not to me. I much trust her fashion sense so I'm looking forward to that. I would also be able to spend some long awaited time with Shahir (much to mom's delight) :)

Other than that, I have a bowling tournament this Saturday which I have yet to prepare for. It doesn't help that I sprained my right wrist for what reason ntah. I'm looking forward to Friday's usrah actually since we've missed it for almost 2 weeks now. The MAD team will also have a makan2 next week and I considered my infamous bread pudding again. One assignment due next week and two in the upcoming week.

And I'm fat.

- I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again ;D

Harmony to my heartbeat

I find changing a habit is ridiculously difficult. I do believe that when you set your mind, initially you will start changing for the better. But soon time passes and those old habits start coming in and taking over again. And in my very familiar case, my habit of procrastinating is leaving me awake at 5 in the morning while trying to squeeze my brain thinking what In Addition To is in Arabic.

I shall wait for my Subuh prayers and hit the bed before my morning class later.

:- I want a harmony to my heartbeat :)

Slip your fingers, tap your toes and hum a tune :)

I particularly like the one in italic :)

Remember when you told me in the morning you said I was tough
Tougher than the average women but I guess that is not tough enough
Cause when you left me on the weekend I was crumbling
Like the roots and the stem, like a flower dying in the garden

Now I'm gonna have to strengthen up my little heart
Find my own way, light my torch and sparkle my own spark
When I wake up in the morning I felt very numb
But I'm gonna get through
I'm gonna tell myself everyday

Get yourself up, get yourself up, get yourself up from bed
This is a new day, this is a new day, this is a new day today
Slipping your fingers, tapping your toes, you are humming a tune
You know, you know
This is a new day, this is a new day, this is a new day today

On the borderline from what is right to what is wrong
There I am and there I try, I try to carry on
And when I'm standing on a mountain I feel brave and strong
And I'm gonna get through
With or without you

I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change the way I see myself today
But there's gotta be an easier way, an easier way to start the day

I am on the borderline.

I was quite dumbstrucked when I woke up this morning. Simply because it was 4 in the morning. I was quite depressed at how early I slept last night. All I remember was that I had a headache, told my blinking YM conversation boxes that I needed to lie down for a while and the next thing I knew, 8 hours past and I woke up in a dark room with my computer still on.

I'm quite glad though. Waking up in the dark gives me a different appreciation to time. I finally got to do the qiamullail that I have always wanted to do on my own. Tonight I finally did get to do it and it really is fulfilling especially when you're doing it with full energy recharged.

It has been a relatively busy week for me. This Friday has been a long anticipated one. Tomorrow is the MASCA Victoria Annual Debate (MAD), the event that I have dedicated more than a month to promote. I am quite glad the event will be over soon although I do admit that the work, the stress and the tired does get me high sometimes. Zia promised that after MAD we will lie down on work for a while and focus on studies. Besides the petty answering of emails and what not, MASCA won't be as busy as it has been for the past 2 months.

I am so ready to hit my school books again. I do enjoy the Microeconomics classes this semester and marketing is not a bad subject at all. Arabic of course proves to be harder and I find Finance just dry and boring. But if there is one thing I learned about myself is that I can learn to love anything once I know and understand it. So I think its just a matter of time. I'm pulling my "Farisa-during-Intec" mode where I study religiously and actually get good grades out of it.

Other than that, I have signed up to compete in the upcoming Bowling Tournament between clubs. This is to find Victoria's representative for the upcoming National Conference and Games (NCG) in Canberra. I won't be able to go as it is in July but I thought I'd compete anyway. I do love me a game of bowling :) Though I promise that that will be my last for the semester unless my MASCA duty calls again.

Mom gave me two good news recently. The first is that my sister is Graduating soon and she wishes that all of us would be there for Ayong. I was originally reluctant because I planned to spend my time here in Australia and travel, perhaps try new activities. Plus Pak Su has already given me a stern warning not to come back to Malaysia as he is already sick of seeing me back all the time. However, I convinced myself that my sister only Graduates once and perhaps will be a very long time before I can go to UK again. Whats better is that mom told me MAS do fly from Melbourne to London without me having to go back to Malaysia. That way, I would have some time in Australia during winter.
Although the setback is that I will not be able to see my friends as they are back from around the world :(

The second news is particularly relieving. Mom told me that JPA has approved my application for a study loan. Alhamdulillah. This means mom and dad does not need to drain their bank accounts to pay for my education anymore. Even though its only a loan, at least I rest to know that the responsibility is on me now and not on others. The first thing I said to Ili when I got it was "I can shop again" but ironically, the first thing that my sister said to me when she got the news was "Doesn't mean you get to shop". Although so, I am very glad. I am thinking of starting an investment somewhere, do proper planning and what not.

Its 7 in the morning now. I'm going to try to squeeze in some studying before it gets brighter outside. I really wish I could go to Canberra soon but work has been crazy and 3 assignments are due soon. I'll be balding and cocooning not long from now.

This is my current favourite song.